her facebook's as public as her vagina
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
