At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The beer is more important than you right now.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
