i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
