the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
