I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
