i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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