Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
