I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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