I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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