Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
