Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize