Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
