Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
