yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
These tits shall not be calmed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
