You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
