So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well I just put wine in my tea
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All the doctor said was why
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
