Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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