I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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