i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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