So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
