im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
