just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
50% drunk capacity currently
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
