it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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