he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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