Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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