A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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