i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
