You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im six kinds of drunk right now
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
