well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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