I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
