Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
