I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
