At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
