Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My life is pants optional.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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