Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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