no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
