please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
