Swine flu. Run for my life!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
