you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
