I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You ate ashes out of my bong
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
