my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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