so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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