he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
