I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
