Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
