yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
