new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
