Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
