the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
last night I used snow as a chaser
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
