She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
