don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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