My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
