at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
