Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
