I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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