he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
