Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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