i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
