He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
