I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
