I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
