Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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