Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
