ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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