She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
