Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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